10 signs that you are on the verge of hiking a long distance trail (or losing your mind).

 Couscous, TVP, dehydrated veggies, cheddar cheese & hot sauce... tastes good now; ask me how I feel about it in a month.


1. You wonder how much everything weighs. EVERYTHING.

2. The thought of eating oatmeal is enough to reduce you to near tears because you foolishly decided to mail yourself ten packages containing oatmeal, despite knowing better than that. Ditto for black beans, refried beans, and hummus... only your despair is even more profound at these items because they are dehydrated and thus even more revolting.

3. You spend whole blocks of time lost in thought trying to convince yourself that really, a shake consisting of protein powder, instant pudding, and dried milk is going to be delicious and vital to the success of your hike (when in reality the thought of vanilla protein powder makes you gag).

4. All of your to-do lists contain the words pack and gear. And there are many of them.

5. When you spend money unnecessarily you find yourself wondering how many groceries it could have bought you while hiking.

6. You find yourself obsessively researching crocs and other lightweight camp shoes at midnight instead of sleeping. And you don't even normally carry camp shoes. When you've exhausted the possibilities of camp shoes, you move on to other matters of vital importance, like finding the perfect sports bra.

7. You try on the overpriced organic mineral sunscreen you just bought, realize that it is the consistency of tar and the equivalent of white blackface (whiteface?) and start laughing hysterically by yourself in your room while covered in sunscreen.

8. You travel for a weekend away and find yourself wishing you had packed your digital scale.

9. Calories are being obsessively counted... not with the intention of cutting back like most people, but instead with the goal of doubling the average consumed.

10. You find yourself eating dehydrated hiking meals prepared in your real kitchen with real utensils and once again, can't stop laughing... both at the foolishness of preparing this junk like an actual meal and consuming something you'll be disgusted by and utterly sick of in just a few short weeks, and out of sheer, overwhelming excitement that this is actually happening. Again!

I am truly looking forward to hiking... filth, disgusting meals, deprivation and all. Here's hoping you'll stick around and experience this in all its hobo glory with me.

My nemesis... dehydrated black beans. I had a moment of weakness in the bulk bin aisle at the grocery store when confronted with a sale.